okay. i totally need to do this rn. 

The phrase "from a different world" has never been so salient to me before. It's like, you think you're getting near, but when you actually look at where you are, you're in fact further away from where you started. That's because expectations and realities differ. And it matters.

You wonder why you feel a certain way, wonder why you do certsin stuff, wonder why you think ceetain thoughts when your brain has already explicitly told you time and time again, that you're not supposed to. You know you're not supposed to. You know. But you just chose to otherwise in hopes that you can see miracles happen. When it doesn't, you'll feel like you've been sucker-punched until you feel the void. Right there; right in the middle.

Then you think to yourself, when you're rarely rational, that hey, this should stop. This jumping into fire pits should stop. But you don't.

I'm confused.  It's damn bad.
After I've finally come to terms with my thoughts and feelings and I thought I knew what I was feeling, everything crumbled again. He is supposed to be my crush. He's not the kind of guy I will like. He's way beyond my league. He's the guy where most girls will crowd around and tryinf to fling themselves on him kind. He's just not within my range.  But I seem to be attracted to him. I concluded that he is my crush, a crush where you are just attracted by looks, charisma and charm.  Where it is just a passing phase.  It is supposed to be a passing phase.  And after today, I felt that confusing irritating feeling that I've always dreaded to feel. Uncomfortable. You know how it sucks to be uncomfortable in front of people?  The feeling of being stiffled even though you're in an open area? The feeling of being compressed to your bones even though you're physically sitting down and drinking your drink? I never like to feel this way. I hate being not confident. I hate having to question myself. I hate being self conscious. I really tried to drop this feeling. Tried to detach this whole situation and my physical self but I guess its not really working well. I hate you, for making me feel this way, for causing me to do stupid things beyind my rationality, for making me hate myself.

Passing phase, please pass. Please.

It's 1am on a Friday (sat already) and I'm writing my post based on a sudden feel to do it. Yup, I see the webs surrounding and I cleared it. I feel I need a space to rant and Twitter doesn't have enought characters to satisfy me. So after going through my three posts in three years, let me update all over again on what I'm doing now. (See yy, if you update regularly, you dun have to do such lengthy posts all annually ~____~) ...

Ok. My life. Ops got married last year to my big sweep. We get along fine, very fortunately. I grew my hair for two years just for the wedding. Why? Cuz I know I'll be wearing a gown and I know long hair will suit better. So I did. The first time i transformed from head to toe, full make up, hair did, gown choosing etc... It partially felt like my wedding. I invited three of my bffs to attend. Ting, Kylie and bao and it was then, I drew the lines of bff damn clearly. Which I hope is reciprocated lah. I think it is anyway. Lol

School: I finished my exam last Friday and I think/hope is my last paper of the super long three years in unisim. Due to module registration complications, my last paper was delayed for one year loh. Damn sian. This leads me to the next topic, my job. I'm no longer helping daddy. I found a full time job before I graduated (very thankfully) doing something that everyone say suits me. Which I kinda think it does. I'm working under a new unit set up by the govt, called the pioneer generation office, which basically does personalized outreach by doing house to house visits to pioneers. We explain to them the package and shun pian understand their life by talking to them etc. my pay, is rather high, considering I'm a unisim undergrad and no experience. It was intro-Ed to me by Samuel and I really appreciate his goodwill to inform me of a good lobang. But it is only a two at contract. After serious and careful considerations of the lengthy working hours, I decided to take it on, giving myself one year to gain experience. I'm going into my second month soon and so far *touch wood* so good. I've heard lots of stories abt how the operations and constraints of a job, kills your passion for the job. I really hope I won't lose this passion towards the elderly.

Friends: I've gained closer friends and applying the theory of gain some loose some, yes, I've lost some friends. Not really lost, but pushing them out to the generic category. My longest friend is not my closest friend, my good platonic friend lost his girlfriend but the happiest part abt my friends is BAO HUI HAS A BABY!!!!! IRIS GOH ~~~~~ she's so cute loh. Lol. Totally in love w her. Hahaha. I went overseas twice in two months, one with heartlanders gang to Taiwan, and one w kayandwhy to KOREAAAA, yup. I try to enjoy my life. Heh. Both experience draw ppl closer although it's sad to. Mention that we see more colors of ppl we are close to, and that gives us the "wow, how well did I know you in the first place?" Sad huh. But true.

Ok I'm just waiting to get ino this part. YESUNG IS BACK. Hahah! Yayeeeeee. I have A bias back, finally. The two years seemed long. But in the middle, I was kinda numb to the loss. It feels as if this was how I felt all along. Yup, I think that's how numb feels like. But now he's back, I'm still getting used to the feeling of stalking and following and updating. Doesn't help that  I hardly have time to even touch my phone during my working hours.  But I'm happy all the same. Good to have smth to look forward to. Ting has changed bias. She's no longer an elf. Did it create any difference in our relationship?  Yes and no. I guess we are both trying hard to make this significant change insignificant. It won't be the same anymore, but it won't be anymore different.

So after my exams, I got my drama back, which also means, my heart is beating once again. Life's good. I'm happy. :)

Hi hi, testing..

The first post of 2014.

A new year, but things have not been very good emotionally . Whatever things that can go wrong, has gone wrong. But let me start with a brief update on my life.

I'm working and daddy's company, which is also the travel line. Workload has been piling up, and the start of academic year has also increased my tuition frequency, is not helping. It's been crazy busy and busy crazy. So I'm busy with tuition, both paid  and volunteer. I'm still helping Wei yang out. He's in sec 3 now. Yay!!! ^____^.. I'm guiding his Chinese ands English now. Much better when I was helping out with maths and science. Totally know nuts about it. So apart from weiyang, I've also been elected as vice chair of YEC. Not elated in fact. I still prefer my freedom over power. When I wanna go, I go. When I dun wanna go, I Mia. Now, cuz of the position, I have to show face. Which is wad I hate. Aka wayang.

As for school, I'm into my last year. I'm enjoying my course max cuz it's wad I like. this is the best decision I have ever made. Yay!! I hope to do wad I like. I found a particular position that interest me actually. It's called social service officer. And guess where! Jalan besar cc!! So basically MSF has set up this social service office to be ensure that there are people who are able to hear the voices of the the people in the community. Finally the govt is doing something. Tbh, our govt has been doing well all along. It has been using the compliance method. But too bad, societies are evolving and people are getting more and more liberalized and individualistic due to the influence from the west. Thus here compliance methodc can't work very well these days. Thus all the problems.

Ok after all these grandfather grandmother story, my initial emotion which I wanted to pour out has already been diluted. But I shall just continue.

So as the entire universe knows, my kpop  craze has been pretty well known. It started with Korean dramas actually. Started with the drama "my girl" when fell in love with lee Jun ki. And this carried on with more dramas and more invasions of crushes (e.g. Lee min ho, lee seung gi). Yes, I know, all LEE. So these crushes became part of my life but not the sole direction. And then came vital, came Lydia, and came super junior. I fell hard for yesung and he became my sole direction. So in a nutshell, my current obsession is both dramas and super junior.

So last year may 6th, yesung had to enlist for compulsory military service and he dropped the bomb just one month before his enlistment. Which is also the start of super show 5. In which was anticipating like hell, which turned out to be a double blow. No yesung for ss5 singapore, and no yesung for 2 years. That was my crumbling moment, where I had to struggle to get past the first few mths. I relied on my next bias, which is lsg. Yes, I know all along that he has this super huge crush on una. But it has been 3 years and una has no response! So until 1st jan 2014, the bombed dropped

 on me once more. Una and lsg are together. Wow. That was TOTALLY unexpected. On one hand, I'm honestly happy that he has got what he has been looking for all these while. But I can't be happy knowing that I dislike una . So there's this huge cognitive dissonance going on, trying to find the balance point of how things are gonna be like.

And yes, I survived. I finally acknowledged that he's together with una and Although I'm not entirely HAPPY, I'm have these sincere wishes to them. I know it doesn't make sense but that's really wad I'm feeling.

And so after I've finally let everything be the wind that past me, a terrible tragedy happened
yesterday. Lee teuk's dad and grandparents passed away. I know, it's something that has nothing to do with me. But this concerns my pillar and sense of direction. Sj has always been my no.1 and for smth this tragic to hit the leader,  what will become of sj and elfs!? He's crumbling. He lost 3 family members in one night. The members are not coping well with this sudden loss. Needles to say, if your bias crumble, you can't stand. Huge crisis. I'm so lost I'm at the stages where I dun wanna see them. I want all their activities to be cancelled. Who are they kidding?? They can't possibly go through another round of ss5 or new album or mv filming with this state of mind!! Their strained faces and hidden emotions. It's too much for us to bear. They can't. I swear.

So what's gonna happen now? No idea. This might be the start of the demise. I've no more forces left, except reality, No other channels of passion other than reality and no other subset of my life other than reality. In ultra ultra depression mode. But I know elfs will be there, the sapphire blue ocean will be there and I know lee teuk will stand up once again, back as our symbol of strength.

Till the day, super junior stand on the stage, with the sapphire blue ocean and elfs right below; the day where super junior becomes the LAST MAN STANDING.

hello hello! finally revived my account. =) i know, its been ages. But thank god i did not leave it pass the 1 yr mark. haha. 

1st qn! wad am i doing now. 

i'm actually in the midst of my exams to be honest. Its stats. The most dreaded module. like seriously. why the fuck do i need to study stats rite. =_=... annoying max. 

am i working? - yes and no actually. Yes, working at daddy's company, helping out here and there, trying to cover when he's not around. No, is cuz i dun wanna go there too many times. cuz i still want my freedom. I'm an asshole. I don't wanna work but i want money. hahaah! that totally spells yu ying. =) 

Other than work, i'm..... FANGIRLING! hahaahha!! I'm at my PEAK of fangirling this year. not sure if i mentioned, I was lured into liking Super Junior during my vital years by xhh. It all happened becuase she loves sj. and it was also during the period of their comeback (Superman and Mr Simple) and it was also the time where i was closer to her. And so i followed her twitter and she was SPAMMING about their comeback. like SPAMMINGGGGGGGGGGG. and i was wondering what the fuss is about. i mean, its just a song rite. I was into K-drams that time, like not songs and bands and stuff, just dramas. I was hooked onto kdramas since 2006 (first drama being My Girl, with lee Jun ki. heh. ). So i was okok with songs, just OST, no preferred band. And when i was curious about the superman song, i myself got hooked onto the song. It was the song that caught me and tada ~~ i got caught in that whirlpool. hahahaah. And then, i chose my "bias" cuz xhh and laine had one, kyu and wook respectively. it was more of a "feeling" than "looks" choice. I had no idea who he was, his name, his character, just purely based on that song and my guard feel, that guy is Yesung and he's now my gravity. I know, it sounds crazy, but to me, i'm stil sane, still studying, still voluunteering, still having my circle of friends, just that he's more than just A PERSON. like, my everything. Ok, its gonna get cheesy here. i shall stop. 

Oh.. one more thing. He's in army now. I went through quite a rough patch during the few days. but now, i'm fine. writing letters to him when someone goes to Korea so they can help post. thats i feel wad i can do for him now. it has been 5 mth plus since he's in. and it seems one year. word. but oh well. i can wait. =) wanna see him back on stage again. =) =) 

ok, i can go on and on abt sj. hahahah. lemme stop here for a bit. can get back soon. =)

Thank god i caught this in time before it's left vacant for a year. 

As i read back, i'm still surprised at the way i write my past posts. In the sense, if you ask me to choke up the same thing, i can't write the exact same words. Maybe cuz the emotions are different already.  

Coming Feb is exactly 1 yr left-Vital Anniversary. Nothing much has changed. I try to be available when they ask for meals. But the times they have asked me out has been decreasing. I dun blame them. You can't hold on to something or someone that you don't see for that long. 

I'm starting my 4th sem of school next week; and it has been a pleasure. Although its not easy but I've been trying and i'm glad i took this route. I kinda staked my whole life on this course so I basically dun have a choice but to succeed. Interest in the course helps. It makes everything ten times easier. Things come naturally and go naturally.

So what have I been up to these non-blogging days? 

I've been teaching tuition to kids.. All these started off from the HOPE volunteer tuition from YEC. I tried teaching and helping Glize with Chinese, and it just snowballed from there. Not a bad thing; found out i could clique with small kids cuz i'm as childish. I can stoop down to their level and be firm at the same time. Its expanding. I'm accepting Pri school kids mainly. But speaking of which, I have Wei Yang as my first Sec 1 student. Well, he's a bit of a special case cuz he's from SPD. He has some physical disabilities and SPD is looking out for volunteers to help him. Since i'm in the tutor and volunteer line, thought i'd give it a try. Not bad, i'm still able to pass on knowledge, instead of destruction. hahahaha. sec 1 math; i wouldn't even dream of it. 

Volunteering in SPD has widen my heart. It helps me understand their way of life and how they do things. They sometimes leave me in awe about certain things in life. While we are complaining about some trivial matters, there they are trying to learn to stand, talk, eat, sit and do the simplest things with the biggest effort. It knocks you out of the comfortable life and shouts right in your face HEY YOU! STOP THINKING YOU'RE THE UNLUCKIEST. GET ON YOUR BLOODY FEET AND DO SOMETHING ABT YOUR PROBLEMS! .. oh well. and then we learn that, there are people who seem weaker, but so much stronger than us. life's greatest challenges, and we wonder what they are. 

actually its kinda crazy of me to try to pen down wad i've been doing for the past 8 months. thats impossible. cuz i can write essays just over one small incident, how the hell do I expect myself to cram 8 months into a blog post? 

then i shall.... continue at a later date. =)